crazytown

By lepaker
"Change"

Now in these cynical times
Sterotypical minds
Got me falling from my pinnacle the minute I climb
Now these subliminal thoughts got individuals blind
I'm trying to look beyond the lies
Just to see what I'll find
I'm like a flower in a cave
Another hour in the maze
And I'll cower to the power of my criminal ways
The sun is shining but I'm catching minimal rays
It's time for me to bloom out of this childish phase
My life is like a battle that I'll probably never win
'Cause I keep thinking big and risking everything
Life's a challenge and I wonder if I'll ever find the balance
Mixed emotions and confusion topped off with minor talents

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever change
Can I change
Would I change
Or am I always gonna be the same
I blame the world for making me such a freak
But the world wants to blame it on me
(my life is twisted)

My finger's pointing in the mirror
I'm the one now
I see my shadow in the sun dial
Am I really out of change
Put my freedom in a cage
There's nothing new thay all said it
And I know it but I had to go throught it myself
I'm hard-headed
That's the only way I'll learn
Get caught in the fire ther's no escaping the burn
And it burns
Change this
Change that
Change is full of lies
I remain the same cat wear a good disquise
Living life looking through my third blind crooked eye
So if I change I'd be changing for the worst wouldn't I?

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever change
Can I change
Would I change
Or am I always gonna be the same
I blame the world for making me such a freak
But the world wants to blame it on me
(my life is twisted)

I wanna run but if I run I'm only running form myself
Would it be easier if I were someone else
I'm like a child playin' with matches that's never beeen burned
Relearning all the lessons that I've already learned
On a highway to a destinatin I've earned
So many exits, but I've never bothered to turn
I'm like a piece of shard glass laying on a frame of a window
That was broken by the bricks of pain
Sometimes I feel just like the devil's guinea pig
He's watching me just to see how deep I can dig
I admit I'm fucked up and got a lot to learn
So now I'm dancing in the ashes of the bridge I've burned

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever change
Can I change
Would I change
Or am I always gonna be the same
I blame the world for making me such a freak
But the world wants to blame it on me
(my life is twisted)
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brave song

By lepaker
more and more i find myself thinking of the afterlife. not about death ifself, but what comes after. it has got to be more purposeful over there. here, i am like driftwood floting aimlessly down a stream. given a choice, would i choose to skip over life from now and head straight to the afterlife? so many terrible things have happened in this world, caused by us and our never-ceasing conflicts with everything.

that is our nature is it not? our struggles by which we define ourselves. and yet we have to capacity for so much good as well, our compassion right beside the cruelty. i believe thats the purpose of this life, to give ourselves the chance to be worthy of what comes after. can we rise above ourselves? or will be chained by our own faults and weaknesses. i believe i am among the lucky ones, who have been given a chance to experience a fulfilling life. but i know ive squandered so much of that time, i have done nothing that i can be proud of, nothing that matters.

if this is truly what life is about, can i live now with that understanding? can i change? or will i be held back by myself. i have the Book and all its Truth, so will i follow? and what about the choices of this world. i will take nothing with me, neither wealth nor friendships. so is there wisdom in pursuing them? is there something more worthy to obtain? i doubt anyone alive knows the answers. but i was put here in this life, so i have to believe it is worth living. i think i will try to change bit by bit, and have faith that things will work out somehow.

so given the chance to skip right to the afterlife. will i choose it?
no i think, id rather live my life according to my choices.
and when i die, ill find out if ive earned the right to enter paradise.
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not the final fantasy

By lepaker
well its been very long since ive been here. the thing about blogging is that when something happens and you want to write it down, its never when you're at home, cause c'mon since when does anything remotely out-of-the-norm ever happen there? so its moments like these when ive run out of things to do that i drag myself here. and the best part is, i no longer remember what it was that i wanted to write about.

so lets see, fir is still in australia. it my 2 weeks break now, and i havent lepaked for almost the whole of the first week. see, fir is the undisputed king of lepak so the frequency is way lower when hes out of town. ah well there should be a lepak activation soon enough.

which brings me to my next thing. holidays usually happen after exams. yeah and my exams werentthat great. i think that i wasnt as hungry for success as i was before. a friend of mine really rubs me the wrong way so it kinda kills the joy of learning(how gay). everything becomes a competition. all i want is to sit back and do my work in peace. but i guess thats now what the academic world wants out of you. ok im getting bored of this. later
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anthem of the generation

By lepaker
This is not the end
This is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something emptys within em

We say yeah, with fists flying up in the air
Like we’re holding onto something that’s invisible there
Cuz we’re living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it forget it
Let it all disappear
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lunch for the soul

By lepaker
This year, as i head to the mosque for what we in my family call 'smayang rayer', something felt a little different. As i sat and listened to the sermon, and the words from the management of the mosque, i felt like i could finally relate to what they were saying. Past years, i barely listened at all but this time as they spoke abt the ending of Ramadhan and the sense of loss, this time i could actually say i felt the same. Could this mean that im finally grasping the significance of Ramadhan?

Granted I tried my best not to miss trawih, and im quite happy with the number of times i did it. I also started and completed reading a book on the life of Nabi Muhammad S.A.W and it showed me what it meant to truly be a believer. In a way, I was afraid by the distance between what people back then did out of the strength of their faith and what we so easily neglect. As if the sacrifices of the past held to significance to us in our ignorance. It really was a moving book and a very good read. Also all this talk of chasing lailatul qadar.....it really was a special month. And i do miss it a little. Little little things showed me how precious the common things are. I hope ive internalized the lessons and that if there is a next Ramadhan for me, ill do even better.

                                                              *******************
Today, the 2nd day of hari rayer i encounted a few events that offered me a glimpse of the mirror of my soul. And i did not like what i saw. Flaws in one's character are the hardestto change so for now im just taking note of it. I hope that in this way, when the situation comes up where i can change the way i act, i will. I belive that i have not reached the peak of my maturity yet, so whatever experiences in the present will colour my future and so being observant seems the best way to come out on top here. The harshest lessons of life are the best teachers. Its passing those lessons thats the bitch right now.
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an absolute of life

By lepaker
today i attended the funeral of a well respected udztad by the name of Muhammad Khair. his death was announced on the airwaves, so that shows just how respected he is in the cummunity. sadly, i never knew him well despite him being my grand-uncle. i never really regretted that while he was alive. but today as i stood there looking down at the lifeless body, i couldnt help but feel that it was such a loss. a loss for the world that a great islamic teacher has passed away, a loss for the family and students that such a wise man has passed away and such a loss for me because i can never get to sit by his feet and gain knowledge anymore and that i never did before.

i looked at him and at all the udztads that came to the funeral and i thought to myself, so great a man has passed away and he did so with so much iman. if i pass away now, or anythime soon what have i got to show for it? so much doa that i do not know, so little of the Quran i have read. i can only debate on the what little understanding of the spirit of islam that i have. is it sufficient? hardly. and so once again the desire to learn took hold of me, making me regret all the time i have wasted and wanting to replace it with the pursuit of iman. i am not ready to die, and the time of my death is not know to me. thus now is the best time to prepare.

but this desire has been awakened in me before and it died soon enough. so i cant help but wonder how long it will last this time. such is the fallacy of human nature.
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daymnn

By lepaker


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